Sitting in the midst of it all, having my heart broken feels like you literally forced your fist into my flesh, beneath my muscles, shattering my bones, and with bare hand, yanked it out. Before you circled back around to me, hands warm and ready to destroy, I’d promised myself that I would take time away from men like you. Ya know, the men that are like junk food; able to make you feel satisfied in the moment and disgusted afterwards. I promised that I’d give myself a break, a breather, a moment to collect who I was as a woman. But, when met with my worries and concerns, you said baby, you can trust me. I will hold that heart, in my warm palms, and admire the way it beats. I will never try to hurt it.
So, with that, I gave in. I opened my mind to your bullshit. I opened my legs to your selfishness infested dick and let you have me. I gift wrapped my trust and handed it over to you because you said it was necessary for us to be happy. My ears perked up at the sound of you whispering I love you’s and promises upon promises upon promises that all seemed unfitting. I ignored the red flags that fell from your body like crime scene markers. Stop, don’t go any further they said but I closed my eyes, tight, and continued on.
On that Thursday afternoon, when you phoned me to formally end our relationship, situationship, hardship; I saw it coming. You forming the words, I’m breaking up with you, felt like a relief and a heartache all at once. The relief that I could stop trying and the heartache because I didn’t really want to. We are two very different puzzle pieces from two very different toys. I, more like a brightly colored Lego piece and you more like a haphazardly cut out piece of cardboard that slithered pass inspection at the toy factory; we would never fit.
Even still, through all of that, I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me that love is something to be said, felt, and meant. Thank you for proving to me that I am capable of showing a spouse compassion because for a while there, I wasn’t sure. Thank you for giving me the space that I’ve been promising myself. Thank you for forcing me into self reflection. Thank you for the laughs, the tears, the experience, the joy, the sadness, the disgust. Thank you for confirming that my instincts are always right.