I Wrote About Casual Sex and Motherhood and Men Proved Why Owning My Sexuality is So Important

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article for an online media platform about my experience with casual, no strings attached sex as a single mother and why I felt it was OK. As a writer, well as a person in general, I am quite candid and open with my life and stories. Naturally, in the article I shared personal experiences about enjoying casual sex and explained the, much like food, water, and sleep, sex is a natural human desire that shouldn’t be ignored just because you are a single mother that isn’t searching for a relationship. I didn’t write the article naively. I was well aware that it was a controversial topic however, it was an important topic that thousands of single mothers needed to read to know that they are not alone. Women are consistently silenced when it comes to owning their sexuality. When we become mothers, our sexuality is traded in for parenthood and our vaginas are deemed baby-maker as sexual pleasure is totally disregarded. When you throw in single motherhood, we are shamed into celibacy unless we are seeking a lifetime mate. It is completely ridiculous. In the article, I expressed that, as long as you are practicing safe sex,  your child is well taken care of and not present or subject to a different uncle every week, your sex life is your business as well as your damn right just like anyone else.

Needless to say, the internet’s response to my article was loud and mixed. Thousands of people shared it across Facebook and my inbox and email was afire with everyone’s opinions, personal experiences, and occasionally, their praises for my honesty. The response that was the loudest and most revealing, however, was the vulgar, disgusting, and disrespectful men that messaged me or openly commented soliciting me for sex. My knee jerk response was to delete the messages, block the men that sent them, and act as if it didn’t happen. But, after carefully going through each response and re-reading them, it became clear why the piece was so important.

Casual Sex

These men read an article by a woman, mother or not, asserting her control over own sexuality publicly. While the article was not asking for sexual partners, it didn’t say that I had several partners, or that I was into sex with strangers from the internet; these male readers got the impression that my sexual confidence was an open invitation. They believed that, because I was not ashamed of myself or of my vagina, that somehow I would automatically be interested in spreading my thighs and letting them in. Somewhere, my possession of my own body was transferred over to them and my article read as a For Rent ad in the local newspaper.

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On the flip side, many men read my article and were incredibly offended and, almost uncontrollably, donned me a whore, slut, bad mom, and dirty bitch. My assertion was almost like a disrespectful challenge to their manhood. Who the fuck do I think I am, a woman, saying that I was willing to choose casual sex partners and be OK with that.

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While I haven’t had any real life negative reactions to that article or any of my other writing, I would be completely lying if I said that I wasn’t a bit fearful of a male reader in my area seeing my piece and feeling as though it was an invitation to have my body, whether I wanted to or not which is indicative of the rape culture that we are submerged in. We are in a climate where, if it is not a sexual assault from a stranger with a mask on creeping through a woman’s window at night, the validity of it being an actual rape is taken into question. Rape culture has become the norm and puts the victim at the eye of the storm while the rapists himself is seen as a human that was giving in to his natural, humanistic needs. From a woman wearing a short dress to her having multiple partners, rape culture leans on the fact that a woman is the reason why she has been assaulted.

While my experience with unwanted written sexual advances is a far cry from physical assault, it is indicative to the fact that rape culture is alive, well, and incredibly dangerous. Voicing my sexuality was not an open invite. It does not make me a whore, a slut, or a bitch as those words are man made and have absolutely no basis. Writing that piece and reading the reaction made it explicitly clear that we are in a dangerous time and the work is far from done.

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2 thoughts on “I Wrote About Casual Sex and Motherhood and Men Proved Why Owning My Sexuality is So Important

  1. This saddens me, especially the comments from Black men!

    But on the flip side, I appreciate you sharing your truths. It’s necessary and inspiring.

    Like

  2. Kudos to you for bring so honest.

    Like

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