Hypothetically: What if I Told You I Had an Abortion

Hypothetical

What if I told you that I had an abortion? What if I told you that before I was quite old enough to have a beer at a bar, I found myself in a situation? What if I told you that the decision didn’t come easily? That when that positive sign popped up, my heart physically jumped out of my chest. That a part of that feeling was a type of excitement that is both panic and possibility.

What if I told you that some of the people in my life told me that if I didn’t get an abortion, I would regret it forever? That it would ruin everything for me; all of my potential would be gone. What if I told you that I felt as if the decision was no longer mine to be had? What if I told you that it felt like I was being shuffled from one person’s expert opinion to another? That I lost my voice during that time.

What if I told you that it was the most painful experience of my life? That the doctors, a word I use loosely, did not put me to sleep or use any sort of pain management. What if I told you that I felt like I deserved it? What if I told you that I prayed for a long time to God, begging for forgiveness while promising to never put myself in that situation to have to make that type of decision again, even though I knew anything could happen?

What if I told you that afterwards, I left the office and went to class as if nothing had happened? That I tucked that dark cloud away. Buried it so deep that it is as if it doesn’t exist.

What if I told you that, years later, when I became pregnant with my son I worried every single day of my pregnancy? That I waited for the other shoe to drop, riddled with anxiety. That, each month, I waited for God’s punishment to come. That I waited for Him to take away the gift that I was finally ready for. What if I told you that everyday, I still wait, worried that the best part of my life will be taken away from me because of what I did?

What if I told you that I will never forgive myself for the decision I made but I don’t regret it? It is a strange feeling to feel to hate what you did but not want to change it if you had the chance.

2009, I was just 2 years out of high school and sleeping couch to couch. I worked part time in retail and my relationship was new, barely formed. I was naive, impressionable, and had almost no ability to make my own decisions or stand up for myself. I look back on that time and cringe at the thought of what kind of mother I would have been or what kind of future that child would have had.

What if I told you that it has taken me years to own my story and forgive myself even if only in spurts? I have worried, for far too long, what people would think of me if they knew what I’d done. Would they look at me differently, think I didn’t deserve my healthy, beautiful child that I have now, think I was a monster? I don’t know and I can’t worry about that.

If you have been where I have, own your story. Forgive yourself. And learn from your experiences.

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2 thoughts on “Hypothetically: What if I Told You I Had an Abortion

  1. Many of us have things about us that we wished we could “take back”. All I know is if you told me these things I wouldn’t judge you. I’d hug you and tell you that you did the best you could do for yourself at that given moment. God forgives and so you should forgive yourself too. I mean hypothetically speaking, of course.

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  2. wowwwwwwwwwwwww so glad you spoke on this. it isn’t talked bout as much as it should be, and women are talked down to, if they get an abortion. But sometimes you don’t know the reason behind it. Why bring a child into this world if you can’t care for it?? Someone may need to read this to know they they are not alone.

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