#AskABlackChick: Why Can’t Black Women Turn A “Me” Into A “We”?

Anonymous Asks:

Ask A Black Chick

The responses from the Ask A Black Chick community were amazing. Not going to lie, these answers gave me some perspective on relationships that I hadn’t even thought of before.

Patricia says:

I know this is a topic for many successful black women. A relationship is work! It is time, can be emotionally exhausting at times, or mentally distracting, or all of the above.

Some black women are truly determined to achieve personal goals that they choose to curve anything serious and casually date until they’ve acquired that degree, or attained that position at work, or are ready for the grand opening of their business. When these women are now established and older, they are now seen as intimidating. Why? Because they are “beautiful, successful, and… single?” No way! Many black men assume [successful black] women are out of their league or taken. In other instances, some black women do not place themselves in a position to be dated or for it to blossom into anything serious because they do not have social lives.

Many black men assume [successful black] women are out of their league or taken. 

Ashlee says:

Although I am not an “older” single, black woman (I am under 30 and married) I have had conversations on this topic with woman who fit in that category. I think anyone who has been on their own for an extended period of time will have some difficulty in the beginning of a blossoming relationship shifting their mindset into a “we” or “us” way of thinking. This includes women from all walks of life, just as an individual in a long term relationship may have to take time to adjust to being on their own after a break-up. The key is for both partners to be open and understanding to the other partner and their adjustment. If both parties see the relationship as a priority things will work out, but patience is important.

If both parties see the relationship as a priority things will work out, but patience is important.

Laticia says:

I was single until I was 36 with no children until I was 38 – partly due to “nice guy presentations” preceded by a choice to be celibate and not to have sex or children with someone who was not my husband. I am now happily married to my King with two little princes at the ripe “old” age of 42 (like what is “older”?).  BY CHOICE.

Personally, I work in a male-dominated profession and my success is based in part to my identity as a “strong, Black” woman by males and other females too (educated, well-rounded, Christ-centered, open-minded, assertive, supportive). This is actually not an “older” women issue; it’s an independent, self-reliant, self-assured woman quality and we are the force of the community, real talk. In my growing up – single mother, no male “voice of authority” – I was taught and encouraged to be the best and given every opportunity to do so. What seems to be an unfortunate output from that same single mother household is the male population that came from it – truly a different perspective on womanhood and the value we have.

Trust is critical and honesty is paramount AND PLEASE don’t forget consistency 

I’m saying it’s probably not her, it’s probably you… Trust is critical and honesty is paramount AND PLEASE don’t forget consistency – let’s keep it 100, a lot of wrong has been done to the Black woman by a man, so we just don’t bring the veil down because you are nice or because you hang around for a while waiting for her weak spot to show up.  So if you are looking to be in a relationship with a strong Black woman, then you better be confident, but you better bring your love, comfort, support and transparency to the table and serve it up often!  Let’s keep it real, for every King, there is a Queen fit enough to balance him, but are you that guy is the real question.  Are you a King or a prince?  Relationships are not 50/50 as most people seem to think, they are 100/100 (two whole people coming together) and the farther away from 100 (being whole) you are, the least likely she is going to be with sharing her portion of wholeness with you (that’s where and when the WE and US and OURS would come in).

Relationships are not 50/50 as most people seem to think, they are 100/100 (two whole people coming together) 
Like, how close to 100% (whole) are you, really?  How ok are you with YOU? How much of you is raggedy in reality? INTROSPECTION.  Ask yourself:  Do I see me fitting into her existing life?  Do I ADD value to her existing value?  Am I an asset to her or a liability?  Am I secure enough to handle her strength – in other words, Am I okay with letting her shine or lead in areas where she really is stronger than me?  I mean, if you meet her driving a Mercedes and you are walking, can you keep the maintenance on it and keep it detailed?  It’s not that she NEEDS that from you cause she was doing it already – BUT it’s acknowledgement that you are lacking in that area (without her having to say a word), but willing to contribute as equally as possible…as a sign of balance.  If you have not mastered managing YOU, it’s probably going to be difficult to manage you and someone else – even a pet or your own laundry or your own rent…So, if you answer NO to any of these questions, then you probably are NOT that guy…YET…but you can be.  You are asking the question, so that’s a good sign.

Join the community and have your voice heard here. Or ask an anonymous question here.

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