I Don’t Want More Kids & I Feel Shitty About It: Reconciling My Various Versions Mom Guilt

College Graduation w. Son

Back in 2012, I found out I was pregnant with my now 3 year old. At the time, I was completely unprepared for motherhood. I was just about 23, in the second semester of my junior year of college, working part time in retail without any health insurance. Being selfish, considering only myself, and having just enough to survive was not going to cut it anymore. I was scared shitless. My education was non-negotiable so taking time off to mother a little human was out of the question.

Even with that shit storm stirring in the corners of my life over those 9 months, I figured it out. I have a BA (should be a bs but that’s another story), have full time employment, I am a writer, have place to live, and am making it work. But, the fact is, I honestly do not want anymore children.

Before having my son, I was in the middle about having kids. Some days I wanted a herd of children and other days I wanted to spend my life traveling, having amazing sex, and being a selfish little 20 something forever. I even, for a moment, wanted to join the Peace Corp. Now that I actually have a child though, I just don’t want anymore. I look at my son and am so thankful. He is beautiful, smart, hilarious, and a perfect mix of his father and I. So why wouldn’t I want more?

[Related: First Comes Pregnancy, Then Comes Baby– And School!]

I don’t have any more patience, love, energy, money, or resources to give to another person. To bring another child into this world when I know that I have just enough to raise this one would be grossly irresponsible of me. For starters, I am financially prepared for one child. Throw another in and everything goes to shit. On top of that, my patience is stretched as far as it can go without snapping. Another child would rip it in half.

[Related: 100 Things I’ve Learned in My First Year of Motherhood]

All of those reasons are completely valid to me. But, somehow, I still feel like shit about it. Miles is constantly asking for a sibling and is obsessed with babies. Sure, a part of it is his age but I think he would be an awesome big brother. I feel like shit that I brought one child into this world and now I refuse to throw my self care to the wind for him to have what most kids want, a sibling. I feel like shit because people around me with more than one child love to bring up what a joy it is to have multiple kids. I feel like shit because I know I will never be able to give that to my son. I feel like shit because I am sorry that I am not holding up my end of the deal in this game of life. I feel guilty that I have the ability physically to give my child the best friend he will ever have but my emotional and mental limitations prevent me for doing so.

I love my son just as much, if not more, than any other mother. I would love to give him anything he wants like a brother or sister. But, right now and possibly forever, I just don’t have the ability to do it and I suppose I will feel like shit until further notice.

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5 thoughts on “I Don’t Want More Kids & I Feel Shitty About It: Reconciling My Various Versions Mom Guilt

  1. I dont have any kids so my advice probably wont be valid, but i get where you are coming from. I dont thin that you should feel bad though, sometimes in order to be selfless you have to be selfish. It is completely fine that you wanted to lead a regular 20 something year old life…thats the point, you are supposed to have a shyt load of fun, go to school, travel and get all of that out of your system, so you are mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually prepared to start a family. Dont beat yourself up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes girl. Your advice is on point. That is so true that sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless. That should be my mantra!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I have four kids and have at various times felt guilty for not having more. I’m a homeschooling mom and there are those lovely pictures of these enormous beautiful families who are amazing, and it’s hard not to feel that I’m falling short some how because I “only” have four. But after my last one was born, I took a long hard look at myself and just KNEW I was done. Other friends of mine knew this when they had one or two or six or whatever. My point is, there is no ideal family size. We’re all different and we all have different levels of energy, emotional and physical. I needed to focus on the kids that I had.

    Don’t discount your own needs in your family. Moms are people too and kudos to you for being honest about your limitations.

    In the future, you will become more confident that you made the correct decision for your family, so don’t feel defensive about it. You are definitely not being selfish. Everyone’s different, and you know what’s best for you.

    “To thine own self be true.”

    Cheers!

    April

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this comment!

      I am a young mom (I mean.. in my late 20’s) and I feel like there is SO MUCH pressure to pop out babies once you start a family. As soon as you have one, people are looking at you to have another, and another. I try to remind myself that having another child is not fair to me or my son because I would not be emotionally available to them. I have just enough patience… just enough stability for him. I just worry about him not understanding that in the future.

      Thanks again and bless you for having 4 kids! I can’t even imagine. Becoming a mother on it’s own is one of the most selfless acts women are able to do. And you did it 4 times!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t have children either, but I get where you’re coming from. Very single and in my early thirties, people are asking me when I’m having kids, so I can relate on the pressure people put on about having babies. But I think one big mistake some moms make is having kids for their kids, not for themselves. You are so blessed to see and understand your limits and preferences. I know some women that shouldn’t have had any, but that’s another show..

    I appreciate you sharing your story.

    Like

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