Back in 2012, I found out I was pregnant with my now 3 year old. At the time, I was completely unprepared for motherhood. I was just about 23, in the second semester of my junior year of college, working part time in retail without any health insurance. Being selfish, considering only myself, and having just enough to survive was not going to cut it anymore. I was scared shitless. My education was non-negotiable so taking time off to mother a little human was out of the question.
Even with that shit storm stirring in the corners of my life over those 9 months, I figured it out. I have a BA (should be a bs but that’s another story), have full time employment, I am a writer, have place to live, and am making it work. But, the fact is, I honestly do not want anymore children.
Before having my son, I was in the middle about having kids. Some days I wanted a herd of children and other days I wanted to spend my life traveling, having amazing sex, and being a selfish little 20 something forever. I even, for a moment, wanted to join the Peace Corp. Now that I actually have a child though, I just don’t want anymore. I look at my son and am so thankful. He is beautiful, smart, hilarious, and a perfect mix of his father and I. So why wouldn’t I want more?
I don’t have any more patience, love, energy, money, or resources to give to another person. To bring another child into this world when I know that I have just enough to raise this one would be grossly irresponsible of me. For starters, I am financially prepared for one child. Throw another in and everything goes to shit. On top of that, my patience is stretched as far as it can go without snapping. Another child would rip it in half.
All of those reasons are completely valid to me. But, somehow, I still feel like shit about it. Miles is constantly asking for a sibling and is obsessed with babies. Sure, a part of it is his age but I think he would be an awesome big brother. I feel like shit that I brought one child into this world and now I refuse to throw my self care to the wind for him to have what most kids want, a sibling. I feel like shit because people around me with more than one child love to bring up what a joy it is to have multiple kids. I feel like shit because I know I will never be able to give that to my son. I feel like shit because I am sorry that I am not holding up my end of the deal in this game of life. I feel guilty that I have the ability physically to give my child the best friend he will ever have but my emotional and mental limitations prevent me for doing so.
I love my son just as much, if not more, than any other mother. I would love to give him anything he wants like a brother or sister. But, right now and possibly forever, I just don’t have the ability to do it and I suppose I will feel like shit until further notice.